A Good Attitude is a Choice

When Happiness is Two Steps Out of Reach

You cannot wait for happiness to come after you are successful. Whether you think happiness comes after making a certain amount of money or accomplishing a certain goal, or getting something or a person you want, it never works for long.

Why? Because when we achieve something, we simply set a new goal. We always want more. More money, more love, more toys, more whatever. If happiness is on the other side of those future wants, you will never reach it; those dreams are always one step out of reach and thus happiness is always two steps out of reach. Forever.

So if you think, "I will be happy when _____," then I'm sorry. No you won't. Or it will be fleeting. I can't tell you where to find your happiness, and I can't tell you how to find your happiness, but I can tell you the only time you can find happiness, and that is right now.

The Simple Weight-Loss Equation

There is enough conflicting information out there to make us all crazy and frustrated about eating healthy, losing weight, and staying fit.

So when you need to ground yourself, remember this simple equation. If you burn more calories than you take in, you will lose weight. If you ingest more calories than you burn, you will gain weight.

 

The trick is to figure out how to burn more calories and to eat less calories. This part can get complicated, but remember the basics:

1. Eat as many high-nutrient and low-calorie foods as possible (primarily vegetables but also other whole foods), and as few high-calorie, low-nutrient foods (junk food and almost everything in the standard Western diet) as possible.
2. Stay active and strive to gain some muscle tone. Being active burns calories, and muscles, even at rest, burn more calories.

Food addictions aside, high-nutrient foods are more satisfying. It may be a revelation to some, but it shouldn't be surprising that if you eat low-nutrient foods, your body keeps telling you to eat more because it needs more nutrients. And all those sugars you get from this high-consumption of calorie-rich low-nutrient food? Your body can't burn it all so it gets stored... as fat. From your lips to your hips (or belly).

 

The simple steady path to weight loss is to forget the fads (such as the juice fast I just finished) and the inevitable weight yo-yo that results from them, and be mindful of your caloric intake and expenditure and adjust until you are on the healthy side of the weight equation.

Whole-Food, No-Wheat Experiment

Due to me ending a 10-day juice fast today, Monday October 21st, 2013, I am already in day 11 of a whole-foods, no-wheat experiment. I plan to go at least until December 24th, 2013. (I may want to have a little fun at Christmas!)

Based on what I read in "Eat to Live" and "Wheat Belly," I think that it's worth a concerted effort to remove processed foods and hybridized wheat (all modern wheat) from my diet to see potential health benefits.

I'm not expecting anything dramatic, so it is unlikely I will keep a daily log, but I will post any interesting effects that I come across during my dietary lifestyle change.

Willpower is a Skill

As I sit here on the evening of the tenth day of a ten-day juice fast, I am reminded of how a few of my friends said to me during the fast that they knew that I "had the willpower" to do this, or that what I'm doing "takes a lot of willpower" or "I could never do that."

The first thing I wanted to do was to protest: "I don't have more willpower than anyone else!" But as I considered it more, this thought came to mind: "Willpower is a skill." Like all skills, the self-confidence you need to break with habit and do something difficult or different is a skill that anyone can learn, practice, and improve.

We all hate failure because it can take a big bite out of our self-confidence and self-worth when we try something and fail. So many of us try to stay in our comfort zone where things are safe and predictable and understood. Keeping on doing what you've always done isn't hard, even when it's sad or disappointing.

But sometimes an opportunity or challenge comes along that forces us to reconsider what we've been doing and to try something different. Will we shrink from this opportunity or challenge, or will we risk our self image and comfort and take it on?

That answer is based on your track record. Have you stretched yourself and grown in the past and done it successfully? Have you set your mind to something and accomplished it? Have you put your desires in their place and put off momentary pleasure for a long-term goal?

If the answers to those questions are often "no," then it is unlikely that you intentionally take on new challenges. So what to do about it? Train your willpower like it's a skill.

Write down small, easily-attainable goals and put a time limit on them. Pick goals that you are confident you can accomplish and cross them off your list as you succeed. Don't pick something too big or something too small, but something that takes a tiny bit of effort and has some meaning to you. For example, I challenged a coaching client with this task, and he wrote down a goal of washing the car at least once a week, which was something important to his wife but that he was bad about doing.

This might seem like a mundane or silly exercise, but we have to start small in order to build momentum and to avoid an early failure that can drain your resolve. To build your confidence and willpower write down those small goals, accomplish them, cross them off your list, and reward yourself. In doing so, you will start to instill a confidence in yourself that when you set your mind and heart to do something, you will follow through.

As you increase the difficulty of the challenges you place before yourself and succeed, you learn to trust yourself, and trusting yourself is a huge part of the mysterious force known as willpower. In time when you are faced with a new opportunity or challenge, you may find yourself saying, "Hey, I can do that!"

10-Day Juice Fast – Half Point

Well I am nearly half done the 10-day juice fast, and although it’s been difficult running a low-level of hunger much of the time, so far it’s been tolerable and I haven’t been tempted to quit. I’m a little weak, a little spaced out, and a little sick of juice, but that’s all right. The fact of doing something good for me and the growing sense of accomplishment as I stick to my plan mitigates some of the physical and psychological distress of self-denial.

And speaking of self-denial, there’s a difference between suffering as a victim and choosing to suffer. When you choose to suffer in the short term for a long-term goal, such as working out to build muscle or refraining from certain bad foods for the sake of your health, you build up the confidence in yourself that you need to tackle more difficult challenges.

If we constantly give in to the whiney little brat of our desires, we’ll soon have a monster on our hands. So tame your desires a bit by saying “no” to yourself once in a while. In time you’ll find that when you need to deny yourself some immediate gratification for your greater good, you’ll have the strength to do so.

10-Day Juice Fast Log (Daily Updates at the End)

Today I started a 10-day juice fast with two primary goals:

• Digestive Healing
• Appetite Reset

I don't want or need to lose weight overall (although I do want to continue to expose my abs), so my focus is more on the health benefits of a juice fast.

EDIT: I finished reading Eat to Live, and based on that book's criteria, which is more strict than the already strict BMI, my ideal weight is 195 (I'm 6' 6" and 202 lbs.), so I guess losing some weight while doing this fast is OK!

Digestive Healing

As you likely know, our digestive system works really hard. The process of digestion and waste-elimination is an intense process. And for the last year or so I've been trying to follow workout diet of "never be hungry." The basic idea is to eat many small meals and keep your metabolic rate up. When you're working out, you need to keep fed so you build and repair muscle. And that's not going to happen if your body does not have a ready supply of fuel.
 
The problem with that plan is that if you're eating every couple of hours your digestive system never gets much of a break, and it needs a break from digestion in order to perform certain bodily maintenance and repair tasks. It's like those jobs are in the queue, but they can never or rarely get started or completed because digestion is priority one, and active nearly all the time.
 
During a juice fast, your kidneys are still on the job (the only way to give them a break is with a water fast), but your digestive system, after a couple days, switches to using stored energy and starts detoxifying and cleaning up your system.
 

Appetite Reset

Another interesting thing happens when you fast. As you begin to break your addictions to bad food, your body and mind start communicating better about what you really need. You often lose the desire for calorie-high, nutrient-low food (junk food), and learn the difference between true hunger and appetite/cravings. The last time I fasted, which was years ago, the idea of a fast-food burger was repulsive - for a year!


So after this 10-day juice, I am hoping to have my appetite reset again and be able to move on to the next phase in dietary change, and that is to go on a whole-foods and wheat-free diet at least until the end of the year.

Experience Log - Day 1 (Friday, October 11, 2013):

7:00 AM: Made a little over a half pitcher of juice - mostly carrots, and some kale, lemon, and apple. Didn't give myself enough extra time to clean up very well before work, so I'll have a mess to deal with when I get home at the end of the day.

10:00 AM: Drinking my second glass of juice. I see that I did not make enough for "lunch" and afternoon, so I'll likely be fairly hungry by the end of the work day. Unsurprisingly, no negative or positive effects to report at this early stage.

12:00 PM: Was a little hungry before I drank my juice, but not too much. Again, nothing negative or positive to report. Unfortunately, I am drinking the last of my juice, so I won't have anything for 3 PM. I'll drink a lot of water this afternoon, I guess. Tomorrow I will make more juice!

1:00 PM: Just got back from walking a mile in high-winds. I am a little hungry again already, but I found a $10 bill on the walk, so that was a good sign. :)

3:00 PM: I was pretty hungry so I made a quick run and got some Naked Juice. After drinking a bit, I realized that it was a smoothie (contains puree), so that's a bit of a cheat since my digestive system will have to work on that a bit. Tonight I'll get more produce and make sure I have enough juice for a day so I won't need to fall back on the pre-made Naked Juice or Bolthouse Farms juice.

6:00 PM: Stopped at the grocery after work and bought more fruits and veggies. Made a lot more juice. Randomly threw in celery, spinach, carrots, apples, grapes, lemons, and so on. It was okay.

Final thoughts on Day 1: Was hungry a lot but not too bad. Not other real changes or gastric-intestinal issues. On to Day 2!

Experience Log - Day 2  (Saturday, October 12, 2013):

7:00 AM Woke feeling fine and not hungry. Stomach and head good. Nothing interesting digestively going on....

9:00 AM Got hungry and made more juice and added it what I made last night. Also made a small glass of straight red grape juice. Wow - that was sweet, too sweet. Not doing that again.

12:00: A little hungry and drank my "little-of-everything" juice.

2:30 PM Feeling tired and a little dizzy. Drank a little more juice because of fairly consistent hunger. Almost out again. Considering taking a nap....

3:00 PM Did 35 push-ups, which is about the most I can do, and they weren't especially hard, though my headache and spaced-out feeling persists.

6:00 PM Napped for a bit. Seemed to help. Somewhat hungry, but not very interested in making or drinking juice. Feel mildly spaced out, but pretty good overall. The fast itself is a little distressing, but I am feeling good that I am doing something good for myself. No sign of any cravings anywhere, though I do want to eat much of the time. The juice curbs the hunger, but I still desire healthy solid food. The taste of the juice isn't very good, and I'm used to really enjoying what I eat, so there's a part of me that is a bit confused about why I am doing this when there's a bad of yummy yams sitting right there, for example.

No negative emotional symptoms noticed so far, though I do have some minor negative physical symptoms: a little bit of a headache, a little tired, a little spaced out. Nothing surprising. This is harder than I thought it would be at this point, but I can take it!

12:00 AM Went to bed a little hungry, but out of juice and too late to make more. Drank water.

Experience Log - Day 3  (Sunday, October 13, 2013):

10:00 AM Work up this morning pretty much the same as yesterday. Feeling fine, not hungry even though I went to bed hungry. Made a few glasses of random juice. A little hungry while handling the solid food and almost put a bit of orange in my mouth by mistake. Same thing happened with a grape yesterday. It's like there's a programmed unconscious response to put food in your mouth, and my conscious mind had to say, 'Hey, no!" :) Juice turned out pretty decent, and drinking a glass now, though I'm not feeling like I need to.

1:00 PM Just got back from a brisk walk - probably a couple miles. Feeling pretty good. A little hungry. Was a smidge light-headed when I stopped. Hunger mild. Drinking second glass of juice for the day.

3:00 PM Still persistent low-level hunger but not bothersome. The thought pops into my head, "I should probably grab something to eat." But no. :) Feeling a little pressure in my head. Mild headache likely. Feel pretty good otherwise. Sipping on some more juice.

6:00 PM Still doing fine, but also still hungry for solid food. Juice is not very attractive to my palate, but hey! :)

11:00 PM Sadly, this record is not terribly exiting so far. No fingers chopped off while cutting vegetables, not craving madness leading to binge eating, no great (or horrible) changes. Am still fairly hungry, which I was hoping would pass by now. Made more juice and made a colossal mess again. Am slightly spaced out, but pretty normal overall.

12:30 AM Not even as tired as I expected to be considering my lack of solid food. But I better head off to bed!

Experience Log - Day 4  (Monday, October 14, 2013):

9:00 AM: Awoke feeling fine again. Not hungry. Had a glass of water. Mental clarity seems good.

12:00 AM: A little hungry, a little spaced out. Maybe from not getting enough rest last night.

3:00 PM Hungry, out of juice, and don't feel like making any more. So what did I do? I made the biggest batch of juice so far. Threw in everything, so now all I have left is apples. The result isn't good, of course, but it's drinkable. Guess it's off to the grocery store tonight!

6:00 PM Nothing special to report. Feeling fine, though a little weak and light-headed, I suppose. Nothing very noticeable. I did a few reps with dumbbells as an experiment, and it was much harder than usual. I was pretty hungry while shopping, so the sights and smells of food was a little tempting. There was a lot of Halloween treats for sale, and the thought went through my mind, "What a bunch of yummy-looking poison!"

11:00 PM Got pretty hungry because I didn't feel like drinking the juice I made. Went to the store and bought another $50 worth of veggies and some fruit. Didn't make any new juice, though. Finally drank another glass of the stuff I made earlier. Back to work in the morning, so we'll see how my brain and body does on day five.

Experience Log - Day 5 (Tuesday, October 15, 2013):

8:30 AM: Into the half-way mark! Woke up feeling pretty good. Not hungry in the morning as usual. A little film on the tongue this morning, but nothing significant. The juice that wasn't so good last night is even worse today as it has degraded a little, but it's what I have to "eat" all day. Tonight I may get crazy and actually try a juice recipe or two. I bought some ginger root last night - maybe I can find something interesting to go with that.

12:30 PM Feeling a little weak. Came back from a staff meeting and felt tired and a little out of it. It's hard to gauge your own mental function, but I seem to be a little off focus.

3:00 PM Feeling a little more hungry again, but not too keen on the juice I have. Drank it anyway, of course!

6:00 PM Getting hungry but don't want any juice and drank all the juice at 4:30 PM, so I didn't have any made. Have to do it anyway, so I made carrot juice with apples and a little ginger.

9:45 PM Less hungry after the carrot juice, but still not really satisfied. Will need to make a lot more juice in order to have enough for tomorrow. I wish there was at least one juice bar so I could go out and let someone else make the juice for once. :) Overall, I feel pretty good physically and mentally. Was a little more tired this afternoon than normal, and a little weaker. Tomorrow is hump day, and also over the hump for the fast!

11:45 PM Have been sipping some extra grape juice that I was left over after making my other juices. Tried things a little differently tonight, and instead of mixing lots of stuff together, I made a green juice (kale and green apples and green grapes), an orange juice (carrots and green apples) and some apple juice. At least I will have some choices tomorrow instead of my "Everything-but-the-kitchen-sink" special!

Experience Log - Day 6 (Wednesday, October 16, 2013):

8:30 AM Woke this morning feeling fine and not hungry again. Actually less than hungry. I do not feel like drinking juice right now. I've been up for over an hour but have only taken a sip of the apple juice I made last night. Feeling fine physically and mentally.

12:00 AM Had a meeting lunch and got to watch other people eat salads, main courses, and desserts. Not too torturous, but I think it did jump-start my appetite a bit.

3:30 PM Hungry, but not for juice, downed a bunch of carrot-based juice down anyway.

5:30 PM On the way home was re-listening to 4-Hour Body by Timothy Ferris, and he was talking about eating eggs in the morning for protein, and I started to salivate a little. Note that I don't like eggs very much, but I am going to start eating them more once I go off this fast and move to whole foods. Maybe just knowing I am going to eat eggs after the fast got me hungry for them.

Since I have not had a significant decrease in appetite (shortly after drinking juice I am hungry again), I am starting to wonder if I might not be in great need of detoxification in the first place. For one, my percentage of body fat is really low, and so I do not have toxins stored there that would release into my bloodstream as I burn fat, and two, I have been eating somewhat cleanly for over a year. For a few week prior to the juice fast, I cut out dairy and most sugars and sweets, and for a year before that I got rid of fast food.

Feeling fine physically and mentally, though I am starting to worry that I have not been drinking enough water. I better step that up.

11:00 PM Haven't had much juice, but finished all I had made yesterday and begrudgingly made more. The juicer stopped working before I finished off the spinach. I hope it just overheated! Feeling fine, though I am a little tired, so headed off to bed to read for a bit and then sleep.

Experience Log - Day 7 (Thursday, October 17, 2013):

7:20 AM Woke up at 4 AM and didn't fall asleep again until after 5, so am a little off today. Woke feeling fine otherwise. Mentally and physically good. No hunger.

8:30 AM At work an feeling fine. Have only taken one sip of juice because appetite hasn't kicked in yet.

11:00 AM Walked a brisk mile in the cold (30s with wind), and did fine. Mental and physical function seem fine. Seven days in and no dramatic changes in physical or mental function, including no gastrointestinal distress or strangeness.

2:00 PM At this point, am noticing I am a little less hungry in general than previous days. As mentioned, however, I've never been ravenous or hungry to the point of anxiety at any point during the fast.

5:00 PM Still not much hunger, but I finished off my green juice about 45 minutes ago, and didn't like it much. I may buy a few things tonight that may taste better, but I'm feeling a little worn out, so maybe that will be a task for tomorrow so I'll have tastier things for the last weekend of the fast.

11:00 PM Well, didn't drink anything most of the night, so apparently the hunger has abated a bit more. I waited too long to make juice tonight so I'll have to get up early and make some more for the day tomorrow and not be forced to buy something pre-made. Overall still feeling good. No real negatives or positives.

I've been starting to develop some ideas about why I am not experiencing some of the symptoms - good and bad - that other people who juice fast for 10-day seem to experience, but I'll probably wait until I'm done before I write much about it. In short, I think my relatively low body fat percentage and my clean living and moderately clean eating over the last year are part of the reason I am not having any significant changes this far. We'll see how the last three days go!

Experience Log - Day 8 (Friday, October 18, 2013):

8:30 AM Overslept a bit, so didn't make juice this morning and I only have a couple small servings left, so I need to see if I can run home at lunch and make more, or else I will have to dip in to my pre-made stash - the Bolthouse Farms juice, which has puree in it.

Otherwise, am feeling pretty good. Energy good so far, and no hunger. Feel mentally clear. As I was dressing this morning, I felt "thinner" for some reason, but I haven't weighed myself on my usual scale - the one at the gym.

10:40 AM Walked another mile with no difficulties. Having a little hunger but not much.  Feeling pretty clear and reasonably energetic.

3:00 PM Drank more of my slightly old carrot juice mix. Not tasting too good!

6:00 PM Drank the last of my juice. Stopped by the grocery store on the way home and got another $50 worth of groceries. Got home and the juicer is toast. Drank a Bolthouse farms juice (not a puree) to hold me over, but was soon able to borrow another juicer and get back to making my own. Still feeling fine and energy is good. Oh, and I made a kale-based juice with apple and a little lemon and ginger and it tastes pretty crappy!

9:30 PM Getting a little tired. Need to get up and go pick up my Bountiful Basket tomorrow, so probably should go to bed at a reasonable hour. Hoping the basket has both some good stuff for juicing and some good stuff for me to break my fast with Monday.

Experience Log - Day 9 (Saturday, October 19, 2013):

9:30 AM Woke up at 8 feeling good, not hungry as always. Energy was fine. Picked up my basket and got some good things for juicing and, in a couple days, eating. Not feeling like making any juice right now, so I am slowly finishing the pre-made mango/carrot/ginger juice. I'll make something fruity in a while and then make my first beet juice. Should be interesting!

1:00 PM Not very hungry, but did make some green grape and lemon juice which was yummy, made some endive juice with apples, but it was still really bitter, so I added some grapes until it was drinkable.

3:00 PM Feeling tired, but good. Drank the rest of the endive/apple/green grape juice. Took a nap.

5:00 PM Made a sweet treat with a bunch of raspberries that didn't seem to juice well but nonetheless made for a tasty drink, along with several pears, a few green grapes, a bit of kale, and two lemons. That was one of the best I made thus far, but not the most healthy for an evening juice meal! Feeling energetic though from the sweet drink and the sleep.

9:00 PM Still haven't made the beet juice yet. I better find a recipe and get at it before too late. Still feeling energetic. Better get at the beet juice soon. Lazy day....

11:00 PM Made beet juice with apples and ginger and green grapes. Use a whole beet along with its stalks. Turned out all right but made a huge red mess! My tumbly is a little rumbly.

3:00 Am Better go to bed - oops. Guess the earlier nap and sweet drinks gave me too much energy.

Experience Log - Day 10 (Sunday, October 20, 2013):

9:00 AM Last day! Woke feeling fine as usual, but during the night I had a couple of moments where I felt unusually cold, the kind of cold you feel when you have the flu or something. It didn't last, but perhaps is related to how the body burns fuel to keep warm. Still a little mild disturbance in the stomach.

12:00 PM I juiced four cucumbers and a couple apples together: bleh! Pretty bad. So I juiced two pomegranates, thinking that would help. Before I tasted the pomegranate juice, I checked online to make sure the rinds aren't poisonous. Well, they aren't, but said they are bitter. Understatement of the year! I am used to drinking some pretty foul brew, but that was impossible! Can't add that to the mix. So I juiced my few remaining grapes and several apples, and make the cucumber juice drinkable. I have a pretty decent batch, so I might be done making juice.

5:00 PM Okay, this is insane. I weighed in at 202.8 10 days ago. I went to the gym, put on the same clothes and shoes that I wore then, and I weighed in at 190.0 pounds! I thought I would inevitably lose a few pounds, but 12.8? And I'm not done yet, so at that rate, my total will be close to 14 pounds. That's pretty wild for a guy with low body fat already. Imagine how dramatic a loss could be for someone with a lot of fat to burn. Crazy.

11:45 PM Wrote a blog entry on willpower. Am now sipping my last juice of the fast. In the morning I think I'll have a banana, and maybe an apple a little later if I am still hungry. I have a pre-made smoothie I may drink for lunch, but we'll see how that goes. Perhaps I will get some steamed vegetables. Going to sleep shortly with the thought that yes, I did something that I set my mind to!

Breaking the Fast ( October 21, 2013):

8:00 AM Woke feeling good and, as always, not hungry, so I am drinking a glass of a pre-made fruit smoothie. Brought two bananas and two apples to work. Will be eating shortly - when my stomach and appetite ask for it. :)

9:00 AM Am eating a big banana. Very tasty! Pretty sweet and flavorful after 10 days with no solid food. And the flavor is staying with me. Also, have no interest in the other banana and two apples I brought to work this morning.

10:30 AM Although I was not hungry after the morning smoothie and the banana, I walked a brisk mile and started feeling hungry on the way back, so I'm eating an apple now. Super sweet! Wow. Flavors very bold. Almost too sweet!

11:00 AM No noticable reactions from the banana and apple, so  I am eating six very chewed-up plain almonds to give my digestive system a hint of what's to come! (Also drank 20 oz of water so far this morning.)

1:00 PM For lunch I had about 20oz of a pre-made Green Machine smoothie, followed a while later by a whole handful of plain almonds. Too soon? Guess we'll see!

3:00 PM Not hungry at the moment - I think those almonds will hold me for a while. Perhaps in a while I'll have the rest of the Green Machine pre-made fruit smoothie. Also still drinking plenty of water.

7:00 PM Had my first cooked food. A sweet potato with a little sea salt and later a couple of beets with a little olive oil.

11:00 PM Stomach okay, so I guess I can handle the solid food. :)

A Broken Foundation

The most difficult habits or attitudes to change are those that we have developed as coping mechanisms to help us bear tremendous pain, loss, or abuse.  Choosing a new way, a new path, or a new habit to replace those coping mechanisms that no longer serve us is like pulling out a piece of our foundation and replacing it. Even if that piece of foundation is rotten or crumbling and thus causing the house of our lives to be cracked and off-balance, it is a monumental undertaking.

It takes more than knowledge, more than willpower, more than an emotional push to change our foundational habits and beliefs, even when we've realized they no longer serve us. It takes something that, due to those deep hurts, losses, and abuse in our past, we may not have in abundance: faith in ourselves. While we may, in general, have good self-worth or positive self-esteem, in our wounded area we might see ourselves as weak, bad, or broken. If we do not challenge and slowly change those limiting beliefs, we will not find the strength we need to effect sustainable changes that will enable us to live healthier, happier, and better-adjusted lives.

This is personal for me, as I am facing one of those challenges now, and I would appreciate any positive thoughts and/or prayers you would be inclined to send my way. This is likely my hardest challenge, and one I have not been successful in achieving in the past. May today be the day that I can look back to and say, "That is when I began a change that has finally undone the damage I suffered in the past, whether by my hand or by others, and started on the road to health, happiness, and peace." I wish the same for you as well. Namaste.

Wag Your Way to Happiness?

Say you're a dog. (For some of us, this won't be too hard.) And you want to be happy. When you're happy, your tail wags, so you get the idea to practice wagging your tail. Maybe you become really good at controlling it - you can wag on command. (Hmm, 82 degrees to the right....) But you find that it really doesn't work; you're still unhappy.
 

Then you get a crazy idea. Instead of standing there trying to wag your tail, you chase cars and get your belly rubbed by your human and eat some yummy (or not so yummy) food. And guess what? You're happy! Your tail is going crazy! But you don't care about your tail - it's just a side effect of your state of mind and heart.
 
Say you're a human. And you want a greater sense of happiness and self-worth. You hear that telling yourself how awesome and great and special you are should do the trick. You give this a shot and maybe even become really good at pretending that you have a lot of personal power. But on close examination you find that it doesn’t work; that deep inside you don’t believe yourself, and therefore aren’t too happy.
 
Then you get a crazy idea. Instead of trying passive positive thinking, you go out and do things of value – things that make you feel good and make a difference in the world and in your life. You help a friend, you learn a new skill, and you stop abusing yourself and put positive things into your mind and body. And guess what? You’ll feel happier! You’ll feel a greater sense of self-worth! But you won’t care about your sense of self-worth (it’s just a side effect of your state of mind and heart) because you’ll be too busy… being happy.

Only Love that is Free Can be Immortal

You are wild, free, and beautiful. I love you! Now here, let me slip this bridle on you, and let me lead you into my cage. I will feed you and care for you and run with you, but you must always be under my control for I cannot bear to lose you. You are mine. And if I get tired or distracted, I may leave you for you a long time in your stuffy, dirty stall. But do not forget I love you.

Is this love or is it possession? When we love someone, do we trade their freedom for our sense of security?

Let those we love run free. If they come to us, if they stay, our heart will swell with the joy that they do so of their own will and desire. And if they choose to go, let them. It is a hard truth, but only love that is free can be immortal. If we try to trap love it will eventually die. Let us turn our false sense of security into an appreciation for what we have, while we have it, and be blessed.

Eyes Unaware

I see her beautiful face
and my heart longs to save her,
because her eyes are unaware
of the practiced smile
that plays beneath them.

Caring for Others

Caring for and helping others is a crucial part of being happy. Besides the obvious good feelings that come with loving others, there is a less obvious but powerful benefit: perspective.
 
The more we focus on our own problems, the larger they loom in our minds. They fill our field of vision and eventually block out almost all light.
 
Conversely, to help others is like zooming out on a map. "Hey, those mountains in my life are more like, well, molehills."

Listen to someone who needs to be heard. Show empathy with no expectation of return. You might just find that a small act of loving another is a huge act of loving yourself.

Own Your Happiness

Logic and Love

My logic at last admits its vanity
and I long for love's insanity.

Overcoming Addiction

One of the keys to overcoming addiction is not trying to fight the behavior directly, but by becoming aware of the key moment you feel trapped or helpless. That moment is often the hidden trigger that starts the process that leads to you acting on your addiction. When you become aware of your trigger, that is the time to perform a positive action, however small, that gives you a sense of control over the situation.

The Prison of Abstinence and the Art of Cheating

Scientific studies of human behavior have shown a strong correlation between a sense of personal control and happiness. Therefore, a lack of freedom and control depresses us. Couple that with the allure of forbidden pleasures (Hello cravings and fixation!), and we have a losing combination when it comes to dieting.

This is because dieting often possesses you with two distressing thoughts: “I can’t eat what I want – my choices are severely limited.” And “Things I’m not supposed to eat look really awesome!”

So is there a way to avoid these factors that undermine dieting? I think there is, and that is the Art of Cheating.

If you intentionally plan to cheat on your diet, you diminish the likelihood that you’ll abandon it completely when the going gets tough. How does this work? Simply like this: You absolutely can have what you want, just within reason. There is one day a week where you can partake of the forbidden food or drink. Decide in advance how much is a reasonable amount to have, and then eat or drink it not just without guilt, but with enjoyment. “Yum, it’s my favorite, and I get to have it once a week!” Planned cheating turns moderate consumption of favorite foods into a positive experience rather than another reason to kick yourself in the teeth and feel guilty about your lack of self-control.

Having a cheat day accomplishes at least two things. One, it prevents the body from going into starvation mode (decreased metabolism, increased fat storage, hormonal changes), and two, it gives you psychological freedom (the happiness factor) that reassures you that that you are not in some sort of Prison of Abstinence.

As a friend pointed out to me, however, this idea treads near some dangerous waters. Using food as a reward is a Big Bad Idea. So for people with life-long eating issues or serious food addictions, controlled cheating can easily turn into uncontrolled cheating, and then a downward spiral that results in anything but happiness.

But if you are like me and find the thought of “never” and “can’t” to be paralyzing, perhaps this idea can free you to move forward with your goals.

In the end, which is better, a diet that is 80% effective yet sustainable, or a diet that is, in theory, 100% effective, but becomes worthless because you quit?

Be a Light

Be a light in this world. The good will be drawn to you and grow in your warmth. The bad will shrink back or wither.

Adversity

A time of adversity is like so many stones being dumped on your head. It hurts, and you just want to throw your arms up to protect yourself. You want to give up. But if you stop fighting, you get buried.

So you keep struggling, you persevere. And when the dust settles, you look down and see a curious thing: you now stand on a mountain that was built from those painful stones.

You look up and see a breathtakingly beautiful view. The vista you now see is not only one of beauty, but many of the problems that loomed so large and intimidating now look so much smaller and less significant.

And as you stand on your mountain of stones, a survivor, a person of vision and perspective, you might even give humble thanks for the time of adversity that, although it brought pain for a time, has given you such a wonderful gift.

Reality and Attachment

Reality is a powerful force. Our attachment to our stories is a powerful force. Suffering comes from the collision of our story (our ideas about how things should be) against reality (what is).

To find peace, we must change what we can, get out the situation if we must, or simply accept that at least for now, this is the reality we have. The freedom that comes from making one of those choices can be life-changing.

We don't have to be passive or pretend that bad is good. Just realize that trying to change reality by raging against it with thought and emotion not only does not work, it hurts us a great deal. To accept reality is a profound act of self-love.

To stop the pointless war between “what is” and “how we wish things were” is to stop the collateral damage that war has on our peace and happiness. Let reality and our story live, if not as partners and friends, at least in peaceful co-existence.

To Receive Love, Show Love

An 87-year-old woman - a client of mine - just got back home from many months recovering in a nursing home after a fall led to a serious infection. It was a hard road back for her, and she was so glad to be once more in familiar surroundings among friends and family.

She needs some support to stay safe and independent as possible in her home, so I met with her to set things up, and she told me that she was scared to fall again because she knew that might send her back to the hospital.

Today she called and we talked about services and she said, “Your hug made me feel secure again.” It made my day and serves as a reminder that an act of simple affection can be so meaningful to someone who has been suffering.

Remember that whatever it is you think you are lacking in your life, whether it be kindness, an understanding ear, respect, affection… the best way to receive is not to wait for it, but to give it to others. The way feel loved is not to receive love, but to show love.

One Reason I Run

I know someday all too soon when I am older and suffer loss of mobility, I'll look back on today and think to myself,

"What I wouldn't to give to be back on the bike path, running with the warm sun on my face, babbling creek at my side, sweating and struggling, but running, running free and strong, pain and all."

So while running isn't fun - it's hard work, it's an act of freedom, an exercise of will, and an investment in today that I hope will keep that future self as far away from tomorrow as possible.

Quests

I have been on a few quests recently, many of which come down to a passionate drive to remove everything in my life that shames me. Or, stated more philosophically, I’ve been on a quest for coherence and authenticity.

The most public element is my health and fitness, but eating better and exercising is just one consequence of a broad change in perspective that continues to evolve as my consciousness is raised and my eyes are opened to the reality that is – the reality of now. This dedication to a brutal and sometimes gut-wrenching honesty requires a change in perspective – a change that appears to contain a paradox.

First, I must accept what is. Self-protecting lies (self-delusions) distort the map we use to navigate life. If we want a good map, if we want to actually arrive where we say we want to go, we need not only explicit honesty (speaking, acting, and hearing truth), but also a more implicit honesty (believing and feeling truth). This acceptance results in a coherency between what we say, do, believe, and feel about ourselves and the world.

Second, I must reject what is. If the reality of my life is being unhealthy, over-stressed, under-energized, ashamed of my habits and lifestyle, lonely and unfulfilled, then I must reject these things as being part of my identity. As I have written elsewhere, we fiercely protect our identity - our image of self – good or bad, even as we wish we were different. So it is vital that we do not accept these things as being a part of who we are. Instead we must see them as something we are doing, feeling, or experiencing… currently. Over-identification with problems is like putting a self-limiting label on our forehead – one that we have to stare at every morning in the mirror. We are more than the circumstance of our lives.

Although accepting what is and rejecting what is might seem paradoxical, it isn’t. We can accept the reality of now, accept what is, but reject that the negatives in our lives have power of us. We cannot let them be what defines us. We have power, agency, and responsibility.

We must confess the crimes we have committed against ourselves before we can forgive and move past self-victimization. We must dare to see the mess before we can clean it up. And we must love our broken selves before we can have the compassion we need to nurture that self, heal our wounds, and step forward into a healthy, authentic, and coherent life.

Layers of Unreality

And so I peel away layers of unreality, try to accept what is, not how I want things or people to be, to live in the now, and to not have my happiness be outcome dependent. And then I see I am still attached, still fighting reality, still trying to force reality to fit my story, my narrative.

And thus I realize that even my path to enlightenment has been outcome dependent. I want to grasp and hold and know truth, but truth is not playing my game. Truth is what truth does. Reality is what happens, not what I want to happen. I will learn to not only accept what is, I will learn to love it.

She is Woman

She senses subtleties my heart cannot know,
She feels nuances my hands cannot touch,
She experiences colors my eyes cannot see.

She is a blessing to all my senses
and a light to my mind.

I strive, and I create, and I protect,
but why, if not for her?

She is woman, and I miss her.

The Caveman

Unless I take responsibilty for my inner caveman, a caveman is all I am.

Re-setting a Bone

Change hurts when it's more like re-setting a bone than repainting a room.

A House Divided

Never define yourself by your negative traits. There is a powerful force deep inside our minds that fights relentlessly to maintain the image we have of ourselves. Don’t let this image be bad, or you will fight against yourself, a house divided.

Beauty and Ugliness

I’ve never seen any fat, acne, scar tissue, or lack of symmetry that was powerful enough to make a beautiful person ugly. I have; however, seen enough poison in someone’s heart to make a physically beautiful person repulsive.

Don't Be Outcome Dependent

It is a challenge to hold onto happiness and peace when something desired or dreamed of is pulled away from you, drawing the potent energy of hope away with it as it leaves.

It reminds me of one of the biggest secrets to contentment and happiness, and that is to not allow yourself to be outcome dependent. Our happiness should not depend on things turning out a certain way. Outcomes are often beyond our control.

What is in our control is to choose to put our energy and focus into the present, accepting the reality of now, and refusing to waste much of ourselves grieving over what might have been or what might be.

So as an event beyond my control closes off one of the paths I had hoped to walk, I am ever more dedicated to invest my time, mind, and heart into the most beautiful and powerful place anyone can live: the now.

A Strategy for Quitting Bad Habits

How do you quit bad habits such as drinking pop? There are a lot of layers to the answer, but one of the big insights that helped me is this: In any struggle between the intellectual part of your brain and the emotional part of your brain, the emotional part wins most of the time.

If the intellectual brain were more powerful than the emotional brain, there would be about seven people left on the planet still smoking cigarettes. Sure a few people smoke because they want to, but most smoke because they get an emotional reward from smoking, even while they intellectually wish they would stop.

This news isn't as discouraging as it seems on the surface. The trick is to use emotions to your benefit by adding an emotional element to your intellectual ideas. I recommend creating a negative emotional connection with unhealthy habits.

For example, associate your favorite drink to a pot belly or thunder thighs. Picture your belly or thighs (or butt) actually growing bigger as you drink the stuff. When you do that, you associate negative feelings with drinking pop. If the emotional distress of getting and staying fat is associated with drinking pop, and especially if that distress is more powerful emotionally than the fleeting desire for some sugar, resisting temptation will be much easier.

Intellect is weak in the battle against pleasurable bad habits, so use emotional leverage to reinforce your intellectual ideas, and they’ll have a fighting chance against temptation.

Momentum

As I work on my life, I notice more and more things that need work. But these new things don't discourage me; they excite me. They excite me because I know that I am going to transform these problems into a long string of life-enhancing victories - accomplishments that give life a wonderful sense of forward momentum.

Ways to Experience Life

There are two ways to experience life. One is the automatic way, in which we process and filter everything through our minds. There is a delay to our experience as our minds evaluate, compare, judge. And because of this, we are not in the moment, but detached. But there is another way, one we experienced naturally as a child, but have forgotten. And that is to experience life in real-time. To smell, to touch, to see - to breathe in the now. This moment, free from remembered pain or fears of the future, can be magical, and contains more than enough to fill our hearts with peace.

Breeding versus Bonding Instincts

Problems in relationships are inevitable. We have two powerful forces acting on us that are at cross purposes. Call them breeding instincts versus bonding instincts. Call them genetic programming versus social programming. Call them our mammalian brain versus our prefrontal cortex. No matter how you look at it, we are most often torn into two directions when it comes to love.

In a new and exciting relationship everything feels good, due mostly to the love potion bubbling in our brain (neurotransmitters such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin that drive us, make us enamored, and bond us). All our questions are answered, forgotten, or moot. But when that heady cocktail starts to wear off, and we begin to become habituated to the other person, the two forces -- one covertly driving us away to seek novelty, and the other consciously driving us to keep our commitment to the other person -- can begin to make us feel torn.

While it may not be possible to reconcile these forces, if we ignore their influence, we may wrongly assume that our partner is to blame for our feelings of boredom, listlessness, or disappointment, when those feelings may be caused instead by our breeding instinct telling us to move on (an instinct that cares nothing for our happiness or bonding beyond what is required to raise our children).

If, however, we acknowledge these conflicts in ourselves and learn how they affect us, we can take ownership of those negative feelings. And with this understanding we can forgive others, and ourselves, for not consistently behaving in the way we desire.