One Strike

Things were going so beautifully,
  but I committed a minor sin.
I thought she'd return to kiss me,
  but she never spoke to me again.

-K

The Importance of Feeling Valued

In the workplace, in friendships, and in romantic relationships, no one wants to feel as if they are just filling a spot and could be replaced by anyone at any time.

Our society, especially advertising, actively seeks to condition us into being insecure: your body, your possessions, your life choices, your achievements - none of them are good enough.

This has lead to a culture of people who act big on the outside and feel small on the inside.

So how can we be the change we want to see? One way is to express warmth and connection in any relationship by showing others they are valued:

• Be specific with praise
• Listen and remember details - it shows you are listening
• Make eye contact
• Express non-superficial admiration and sincere compliments
• Express thanks for thoughtfulness shown
• Celebrate other's achievements
• Remind others why you value them

Words are powerful, so let's use them to build others up. A word of encouragement, appreciation, or support from you can make a big difference in someone's life (even your own).

How to be Happy

I've read a lot of happiness literature, tried of lot of experiments, had a lot of kicks in the teeth, and in the end have been left wondering why it is that I appear to be happier than most people.

Part of the reason, most likely, is brain chemistry (the nature part of nature versus nature), but one of the most awesome things about being a human is that we have a superpower: the ability to change ourselves fundamentally, right down to the level of rewiring our brains.

So here is my list of how to be happy - a to-do list that can, over time, change you so profoundly that being at peace becomes a part of your nature and not just a feeling you get to experience once in a while when conditions are favorable:

• Have Goals. Have goals that you’re working on. One of the secrets to happiness is to always have something to look forward to. We can’t cruise. We are either moving backward or we are moving forward.
• Relate to Others: Share your life, good and bad, with people who love you. We are all social people. Introverted or extroverted, it only matters in terms of degree. We all need to be touched, loved, listened to, cared for, and we need to do all those things to others. Warning: You can love and help miserable people, but beware their poison. Miserable people will inject you with it in a foolish attempt to be free of it themselves.
• Create: Have a creative outlet. Build something, plant something, nurture a life, take a picture, write a story, paint a painting... anything in which you use your mind and your hands to bring something into existence that didn’t exist before.
• Give: When you help others you correct the distortions in your perspective. Simply put, staring at your own problems all day makes you crazy. Be a part of something bigger than yourself. It keeps you oriented.
• Embrace Reality: Almost all emotional suffering comes from a refusal to accept how things really are. Trying to force your wishes onto reality can only do one thing: make you miserable. Is the negative thing something you can change? No? Accept it or walk away. Yes? Make a plan and change it. Those are the only two sane options. The only paths to peace.
• Live in the Now: Energy sent into the past or projected into the future is lost. Visit the past and imagine the future when necessary, but to live either in the past or the future is to be a ghost. Bring your energy into this moment and live here.
• Take Care of Yourself: Care for your body, mind, and spirit. If you pollute your body, mind, and spirit, then what do you suppose is going to come out of your life?
• Take Ownership of Your Life: Your ship isn’t coming in. You’re not going to win the lottery. No one is going to save you. Finding a better lover won’t fix your problems. You own your own experience. Starting today, take responsibility for the quality of your life and stop giving your power away to others.
• Carry Yourself Like a Happy Person: I don’t suggest you pretend to be happy, but I do suggest you try to be happy. Shoulders back, smile when you can, walk strong, and make eye contact. Try being sad while dancing to an awesome song and you’ll see what I mean.

The next time you're sad, take a look at this list. It's not a magic formula to make everything okay, it's a series of guideposts to help steer you back onto the path that leads to peace and happiness, even when the road you are on today is a hard one.

What if something horrible is happening? Say you lost of loved one. You're devastated. You're a human, you should be. No one (who really cares about you) expects you to be happy. Take all the time you need to heal and grieve. But everything in the list is still true. Take care of yourself, try to accept the reality of what is, connect to loved ones... it all still works.

The Secret Language of the Heart

I searched every tongue in every nation

for words to describe your grace,

or the emotions that well inside me

each time I see your face.

But these things cannot be spoken,

in the end all words are weak,

for you are beautiful in every language
only my heart knows how to speak.

 

-K

Gender Predispositions and Nurture vs. Nature

There are things we would like to believe, and then there is nature, which often does not play along with our sociological wishes. We may not want there to be biological differences between the genders that predispose us to certain types of behaviors, but there are. And that’s OK.

Little boys are not more aggressive, for example, because aggression is modeled and nurtured, they are more aggressive because of increased levels of testosterone (though this is debated) and other neurological factors. But how those instinctive behaviors manifest themselves is hugely determined by how we are socialized.

Our biological drives and predispositions may be reinforced, they may be weakened, they may be eliminated or even reversed by the human factor, but we absolutely do not start out as a carte blanche.

So which is the prime impetus of human behavior, nature or nurture? Research seems to point to the fact that there is no clear leader -- they are both strong factors that cannot be cleanly divided.

But there are still people who absolve themselves (or others) of deplorable behavior, citing biology: "What do you expect, he's a guy!?" And there are still people that are made pariahs because they have desires that are not socially acceptable in their particular group, such as when religious intolerance constantly beats down (or up) a gay person for not following an artificial social "norm" that is every bit as natural as heterosexuality.

A person can't change the color of his or her skin through the power of thought, but the power of thought can change the meaning of what skin color says about a person. (Which should be, in my opinion, "Nothing.")

You Can't Ask Someone to Throw You a Surprise Birthday Party

Why? Because it devalues the result. To communicate your needs is healthy, but to attempt to control another person's behavior - to manipulate or coerce or to shame or threaten someone into giving you what you want - is not.

We might think we are just making sure our needs are getting met, but when we do it in this way, we feel worse than empty.

Love, help, time, gratitude... these things must all be freely given in order to have meaning. When not born of free will, these gifts are all tainted, laced with guilt, resentment, and dishonesty. Instead of filling us up, they poison us.

So while we should ensure that our needs and desires are being met, it should be by communicating these things to a person who, because of love, wants to - and is able to - provide them.

Just as you cannot make someone love you, you cannot make someone give you the fruits of love freely given.

Swept Out to Sea

I struggle mightily against
the undertow of these passions,
but my mind is a boy in man's shoes,
no match for the noble and ancient beast
that has been a part of me
since before I was born.