Nightmare and Fantasies

Memories are what we call our nightmares and fantasies about the past.

Balloon on the Water

Some of you may have heard me talk about – or read about -
the idea that each of us has an emotional baseline. When we have good or bad experiences, it affects our happiness. Sooner or later, however, depending on the strength of the positive or negative experience, we return to our baseline.
And despite our predictions otherwise (our dreams or fears), there is almost nothing that can permanently affect that baseline. Even the most rapturous blessing or soul-sucking curse cannot forever keep us from returning to our "normal.”


Having been driven uncomfortably down below my baseline recently and wondering how long it is going to take me to return to my normal lightness of being, I envisioned a slightly different model for this theory than I have used before.


In this model, a content person's baseline happiness is the surface of a body of water, and his or her emotional state is a balloon that floats on that water. Without internal or external changes, the balloon sits afloat on the water. It doesn’t sink… it doesn’t float away in the air… it just sits on the surface. Content. The air above represents a higher state of bliss or happiness and other “positive” emotions, and the water below represents depression or sadness, and other “negative” emotions. To complicate matters slightly, there is also air and sand inside the balloon, and this air and sand is your internal lightness or heaviness of being – the attitude that affects your altitude. Positive attitude is air; negative attitude is sand.


Negative experiences are forces that drive the balloon under the water - or even deeper than it already was. Since the balloon is lighter than water, however, it starts to rise again as soon as the negative force is removed or weakened, with the speed of its ascent dependent on the balloon’s internal weight. The heavier it is inside, the slower it rises. The lighter, the faster.But eventually it bobs to the surface again unless it is very heavy inside indeed.


The opposite is true for positive experiences -- the winds that push the balloon into the sky. The balloon is heavier than air, and so it starts to sink back toward the surface as soon as the winds die down, with the speed of balloon’s descent dependent on how much sand it’s carrying. If there is almost no sand inside the balloon, it is nearly as light as the air, and it will continue to soar with even the gentlest kiss from the wind.


While we often cannot control the forces that act on us, and even many of the forces that act within us, our attitude, as represented by the amount of air or sand we carry inside, has a powerful effect not only on whether we are "normally" floating or sinking, but also on how soon we return to our normal when driven higher or lower by forces beyond our control.

Meow or Woof?

Acceptance of other people as they are right now - not who they could be, who they are trying to be, or who we hope they will be - is a great challenge. If we are in a relationship with a serious incompatibility, we have to ask ourselves, “What if this is never conquered – never resolved?”

If we can’t accept that the other person will remain as they are now… forever, then should we accept it now?

To paraphrase don Miguel Ruiz, if you have a dog, trying to get it to “Meow” for you will only be frustrating for you both. Though giving up a relationship, or the expectation in a relationship, will hurt you both for a time, the dog wants to be loved for being a dog, not to live with the pressure of feeling like a second-rate cat. So if you want a cat, get one, or learn to love the sound of “Woof!”

Be More Kind than You Think is Warranted

In your personal conflicts, be more kind, more patient, more tolerant, more understanding, and more forgiving than you think is warranted.

Although we believe we have perspective on a situation or relationship, we rarely do. Most everyone is engaged in some brutal, private war, the nature of which we do not comprehend.

-Extrapolated from a quote attributed to T.H. Thompson and John Watson

Respect Those You Love

Why try to change anything about those we love? He or she has the right to be whomever he or she is - has the right to be free. And we have the right to choose that relationship... or not. This is respect.

Wanting What We Don't Have

When love, attention, support, and respect are freely and generously given, it seems they are often not appreciated. Taken for granted, seen as low value, they are cast aside in lieu of love, attention, or respect that is tantalizingly out of reach. We all want, and desperately need those things, but we also seem to desperately want them from those who withhold them, not from those who readily give.

Love Even So

Sometimes you may feel played or used, or even like an unappreciated chump, but at the end of the day it is ok if you can say that you have loved the best that you could.

You Can't Love Someone Else More than You Love Yourself

You will never allow someone to love you more than you love yourself - not for long. If he or she tries, you will undermine the relationship and prove once again to yourself that you are not worthy. So if you want real love, you don't need to fix yourself -- you just have to make peace with your imperfections.

Let Yesterday Go

You can do nothing about all that has happened before this day, so do not waste any more energy on the past.